Rhys Allen drinks a latte

Rhys Allen sure enjoys a caffeinated beverage. He recently returned to  Melbourne and instructed me to escort him to the finest coffee known to humanity.

I shrugged and took him to Dukes Coffee Roasters, which is where I was going to take him anyway, even if he only drank tea.


Here is Rhys, he is waiting, he is distracting himself during the difficult moments between ordering a coffee and receiving it by poking at a new “telephone”. The acquisition of this telephone is why he has come to Melbourne from somewhere called Mallllmsbury, I don’t know where Malllmsburry is, it’s not in zone 1. But I have apparently checked into wineries and sites of natural wonder very close to it on Foursquare, which upsets Rhys.

But now he waits, not thinking about unpleasantness, cleansing his mind of negativity, because you can’t get truly good coffee in Maaallllmsbury, sure “Small Holdings” gets a good score in urbanspoon, but, as a local, Rhys has grown tired of their offerings. To prove this, Rhys made their name into a rude pun about holding something small. He laughed, he liked his pun, because it was also about genitals.


Suddenly, a latte arrives and is placed before Rhys. He seems pleased, all appears to be in order, he hasn’t had to interact with a mason jar, and not even my ordering of something called “a short long black” has phased him.

He picks up the spoon and delicately teases the milk/coffee interface.

Pause for a moment reader and consider Rhys’ expression, he appears happy no? For he is happy that he is at Dukes, Dukes is much better than Small Holding, and it’s much harder to make rude puns from something called a Duke. (Actually, Rhys devised three rude Duke based puns, but he’s a master punster, don’t try and think of them yourself, you won’t even get close.)


The moment of truth is upon us, the moment where Rhys determines if his request for world class fine coffee has been taken seriously. He pauses for a moment as he raises the glass to his lips to pretend to engage the cafe staff in conversation.

The cafe staff go about their business, they are not interested in his happen-stance incarnation in their world, all they care for is coffee and the dispensing of world class caffeinated beverages.


Rhys Allen is now drinking his latte. See how he remembers to simultaneously draw from both the foamed milk and the milky coffee. He draws slow and deep and holds the cup beneath his nose for several seconds before and after tasting. My but what a special thing it is to have a fine coffee intersect with a fine coffee drinker.

Rhys also wears a nice striped jumper, which comes up smashingly well in black and white, it probably had green stripes, green always comes up nice in black and white.

Having concluded his sip Rhys gently lowers his glass, thanks me for having the knowledge that I have and thanks the nearby baristas for everything that has happened in their lives that culminated in this moment.

Rhys was overcome, he couldn’t finish his latte, his plans to spend a few hours “in town” now seemed wholly unnecessary, he bid me farewell and wandered off on the road back, to Mallllmsbury.


Camera & Film: Hasselblad 500C, Fuji Neopan 400
Developed: Rodinal 1+100 1hr 10mins

Dukes Coffee Roasters, exist at 247 Flinders Lane, Melbourne

Should you find yourself in Malmmmmsbury, Small Holdings is quite certainly a cafe there.


  1. I understand too well … strong sensations whenever I returned from out of Australia to Melbourne … not really on home ground ’till a decent coffee, taken quietly.

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